The Freier Problem
Freier is a Yiddish word in common use in Israel. It’s hard to translate. Roughly it means “sucker”, but with a particular connotation; you aren’t a sucker because you are dumb or unlucky but because you follow the rules when everyone else knows that the rules are only for freiers. While a person might be proud to be called upstanding, moral, law-abiding nobody wants to be a freier. (For a great discussion of three possible origins for the word see Balashon’s post).
The word captures a complex set of tensions that people struggle with in relationships; familial, work, neighbourhood etc. People generally want to view themselves as good. But they also desperately do not want to be the last person upholding a norm that everyone else gave up on a long time ago. I roll my eyes or huff indignantly if one person cuts in line, but if there is no line, just a bunch of people shoving, then standing and waiting just feels foolish. If I am honest about how much I earn when I file my taxes I may feel good about doing my part, but if I learn that no one else is being honest, then I start to feel contempt for myself.
Philosophers have discussed situations in which collective action will offer a big benefit but individuals may act to pursue lesser gains at a cost to the whole. Two examples are “the Stag Hunt” or “the Prisoner’s Dilemma.” In those scenarios if someone loses, the loss is material and the players have no way of communicating with one another.
But I often see couples facing “the Freier Problem.” They can talk to one another. The material costs of investing in the relationship are relatively low and the material costs of getting their elbows up and fighting more is high. Yet each of them sits there looking at the other person to make changes. Why double down on behaviour that they know hurts the relationship?
When I ask people they say; “It will be so humiliating to be the only one working for this relationship.” And that is what makes Freier problems so tough. The cost of being a freier is psychological more than it is material. A much more important force than material loss is at stake; the fear that I will despise myself or be viewed with contempt by my partner or my community.
We are facing a whole variety of Freier Problems as a society. Public health measures against COVID-19 are a perfect example. Yes, there are real costs in either complying with restrictions or not. But much of what drives people is the fear of being seen as badly behaved or contrariwise, the fear of being a freier, being the last person to wear a mask, to stay home from work, to maintain social distance.