Fun, not toys
Sometimes I hear from couples that they bought a sex toy in the hopes of reinvigorating their sex lives. Many of them find that the toys quickly end up in a nest of of tangled charger cables in the night-table drawer. Once upon a time, vibrators and dildos were called “marital aids” then they got restyled as sex toys in an attempt to connect them with play, enjoyment, fun. Play is a great intention to have for sex. Sex 'toys' may help to achieve that and if they do, that is fantastic, but they may not and sometimes they can hinder fun.
Orgasm isn't the goal of good sex
Sex toys such dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, cock rings, prostate massagers work by stimulating whatever part or the body they touch; usually the genitals or nearby, increasing and or changing physical stimulation. This can be good if a person's genitals need more or different stimulation in order to have a good time during sex. But that isn't the big missing ingredient to having more fun in bed for most people I work with. They want their sex lives to be more... more passionate, more dangerous, more sexy, more loving, more playful, more sensual, more rough, more something. Dan Savage once talked about being on a panel with the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and couples therapist. She said that the brain is the biggest and most important sex organ in a human is between the ears. Dan Savage asked, “But how do I put my dick in it?”. This is a deep sexual koan. People want a vibrator that will stimulate their sexual heart/soul/mind/brain. Stimulating the genitals is a very indirect way to “put your dick in it”.
Play
Toys and play have a complex and fleeting relationship. Many parents can attest to buying a toy which is neglected by their kid in favour of the box it came in. Imagination, flexibility in thinking and feeling, presence, a sense of capability and possibility are characteristics of play. That's also a pretty good headspace for a gratifying sexual experience. Stimulating the genitals or anus may cause more arousal or change or even intensify the quality of an orgasm but becoming hyper-focused on genital sensation is not the same thing as having a good time in bed. In fact, sometimes the former is the death of the latter. Intensifying physical sensation can cause a person to lose track of other things. That can be wonderful in the case of being swept away in a sexual experience. It can also be a distraction from other satisfactions that a wider kind of attention can bring. Many couples become like the hiker who is so focused on the map that they are not seeing the terrain, hyper focused on arousal and orgasm and unable to attend to emotional connection or play or desire, the less physiological but equally important parts of sex. This tendency isn't helped by the focus of modern sexological interventions.
Genital response has been the be-all-and-end-all of sex research for a long time. That is because it is relatively easy for researchers to measure erections or vaginal lubrication or ejaculations or orgasms, easier than measuring things like fun, sexy, adventurous, scary-in-a-good-way, dirty-in-a-good-way, whatever it is that two (or more) people are looking for in sex. Arousal and/or orgasm may be a part of that, even a big part but it does not have to be the goal of sex any more than reproduction has to be. The idea that the physical manifestations of arousal and orgasm are essential in sex is very ingrained in us despite a lot of evidence to the contrary. I have worked with plenty of couples where both partners have orgasms and they don't particularly like their sex lives. I have also seen lots of couples where one or both partners have very gratifying sexual experiences without having much vaginal wetness, or an erection or an orgasm.
The couples I see who want to work on their sex lives generally aren't having difficulty with the mechanics of arousal or orgasm. That is why I have never prescribed a vibrator for a couple to improve their sex life, nor do I prescribe particular sexual techniques. If I thought that might be needed I would refer the couple to a sex therapist or pelvic floor physio-therapist.
Prescriptions
People have a lot of 'shoulds' in their minds about sex: “I should lose weight to enjoy sex more”; “I should relax more”; “I should be more assertive”; “I should be less assertive”; “I should have an orgasm/give my partner an orgasm, a bigger orgasm, a better erection, a wetter vagina”. It makes it tough to be playful when you are ticking off boxes. Attending to a partner's pleasure is a good thing overall but it can definitely get in the way of play, like any other 'should'. On top of a lot of sexual obligation, many couples have a lot of other shoulds relating to kids, family, work. I don't want to add to a couples' feeling of sex as a bunch of things on a long list of hard-to-meet expectations and constraints. I use prescriptions cautiously in regards to sex, and always with the hope of creatingmorepsychological and emotional flexibility, more presence, more feeling of capability. Sometimes I prescribe a week or two of no-orgasm sex to see what they can come up with that feels like sex when they aren't oriented to genital stimulation. Sometimes, I get them to reminisce about times they felt sexy together or to actively fantasize about one another and to identify what they find sexy as a way to start to think and talk about what they want out of sex now. Sometimes I prescribe reflecting on how they would act if they viewed their sex lives as super resilient. Sometimes I prescribe a set time for sex, with sex defined very broadly as 'whatever feels sexy.' All of this with the caveat that they treat with curiosity whatever internal or interactional things come up that make it difficult to be sexual.
In short, we focus on fun, not on toys.