COVID Coping

• Compassion for self and others

  Sometimes we mistakenly think that the choice is between a bad situation and a better situation if we just kick ass hard/often enough. If you have tried frequent, emphatic asskicking and it hasn't worked, consider that the choice is actually between a bad situation and a bad situation made more unpleasant by a lot of ass-kicking. -> you are hereby forbidden to use any part of this material for self-recrimination. 

• Improving sleep 

  Regular bedtime and wake time

  Your bed is for sleep, not for work or fretting

  If you are awake for more than 20 minutes move to a quiet spot, read a book until you find you are nodding off

  No screens in bedroom

  No screens 45 minutes prior to bed

  Reduce caffeine, alcohol. 

• Time outdoors, preferably in nature. Plan for winter. 

• Regular exercise

• Reflective practice.What it looks like

  regular

  attendance to inner states while serving to “unstick” us from inner states

  can be; regular exercise, prayer, meditation

• Reduce drug use

  includes caffeine, pot, alcohol.

• Work hygiene

  if you have trouble getting started, begin with 20 minutes of work

  have work hours and a quitting time

  have a dedicated work space

  work outside of your home if possible

• Social media (if you must)

  take frequent breaks, you can always go back to it if you want after 1/2 hour

• Managing worry

  Compassion for worrying parts of ourselves; they are doing a very important job. They need coaching. 

  Office hours for worries. “The office is closed. Please come back at 10:45 tomorrow morning.”

  Describing; “I am feeling worried”. “I am thinking about my exams.” 

  Write worries on stickies, place them on a piece of paper divided in half; left side is “In my control.” Right side is “Out of my control.” If there is a worry that you want to put in between, subdivide the worry until you are clear about what is in your control and what is not in your control

  Worry as “dealing”. Am I mistaking worrying for doing something useful?

  Set times to revisit decisions. Don't rehash at unscheduled times. 

• Maintain connections. 

• Don't focus on happiness, focus on doing good for yourself and others. 

Progressive's Pachinko and the Executive Meeting

In the last few weeks I have seen clients struggling with a lot of internal division. These are people who are pretty self-reflective and for whom examining their actions and their motivations is an important part of their identity. These are good qualities but like all good qualities, they can be carried too far. I get to see from outside how they can end up hamstringing people.

We know about the trap of black and white thinking but there is a self-reflection trap that sometimes causes people a lot of grief. I think of it as Progressive’s Pachinko. In the Japanese pinballish game the ball is continually bouncing off one nail or another, unable to pursue a clear course, like Bob Dole/Dan Savage’s phrase “A liberal is someone who can’t take their own side in an argument.” People with a progressive outlook can often get hit with this pretty hard, rehashing in their own minds the ethical implications of every decision. They are often uncomfortable with hierarchical decision making, even in their own minds.

I definitely identify. I had a dificult decision to make recently. It was a decision that had some important implications for me. Every ten minutes, I would ask myself what I should do. I felt like my clients feel; stressed and angry at myself because it felt self-inflicted.

So I used for myself a process that I had stumbled on with clients. First, I asked, “Have you already made a decision that some part of you is having difficulty catching up with?” It turned out I had. I had decided, but I felt apprehensive about my decision. People can spend a lot of time and energy trying to maintain the idea that they haven’t made a decision when they already have.

Second, I asked myself if there was any new information or perspectives on the issue that merited re-examining the decision that it turned out I had already made. The answer was no. So an emergency meeting of the executive committee of Jeremy Wexler Global Enterprises about this decision would not bring a different result but will bring more worry.

Third, I set a date to convene the executive committee to review the decision. It turned out I had made a decision even though I was having a hard time acknowledging that I had. Making a decision can bring some peace, but living in my head it was like trying to work in an office where people were constantly rehashing questions that were settled at the last meeting. “Maybe we should try it this way.” “I still think we should have gone with plan C.” These different voices have important stuff to say. One part is in charge of being scared of anything new. One part is responsible for protecting my sense of independence. One part manages the division of me that dives into any new thing because the grass is always greener. They all bring something to the table. But they tend to be unruly, and will argue their various points all day long. But my wise mind is the boss, a really good boss, a boss who cares about everyone, who takes everybody’s perspective seriously and then makes tough decisions and implements them.

My wise mind had already listened to all the factors. It had already made a choice based on what I knew and what I felt. Re-opening the decision was only adding extra emotional friction. But, it was clear that some members of the executive committee still had serious reservations.

“Okay,” said the wise mind. “We already committed to this course of action for good reasons. I know some of you don’t like it but I expect everyone to give it an earnest try. We will reconvene the executive committee in three months on, January 10, when we will have some new information and we will check in about how this is going. I assure you that I am fully open to the possibility of changing course at that time.”

And that seems to have been enough to appease the dissidents.