Progressive's Pachinko and the Executive Meeting

In the last few weeks I have seen clients struggling with a lot of internal division. These are people who are pretty self-reflective and for whom examining their actions and their motivations is an important part of their identity. These are good qualities but like all good qualities, they can be carried too far. I get to see from outside how they can end up hamstringing people.

We know about the trap of black and white thinking but there is a self-reflection trap that sometimes causes people a lot of grief. I think of it as Progressive’s Pachinko. In the Japanese pinballish game the ball is continually bouncing off one nail or another, unable to pursue a clear course, like Bob Dole/Dan Savage’s phrase “A liberal is someone who can’t take their own side in an argument.” People with a progressive outlook can often get hit with this pretty hard, rehashing in their own minds the ethical implications of every decision. They are often uncomfortable with hierarchical decision making, even in their own minds.

I definitely identify. I had a dificult decision to make recently. It was a decision that had some important implications for me. Every ten minutes, I would ask myself what I should do. I felt like my clients feel; stressed and angry at myself because it felt self-inflicted.

So I used for myself a process that I had stumbled on with clients. First, I asked, “Have you already made a decision that some part of you is having difficulty catching up with?” It turned out I had. I had decided, but I felt apprehensive about my decision. People can spend a lot of time and energy trying to maintain the idea that they haven’t made a decision when they already have.

Second, I asked myself if there was any new information or perspectives on the issue that merited re-examining the decision that it turned out I had already made. The answer was no. So an emergency meeting of the executive committee of Jeremy Wexler Global Enterprises about this decision would not bring a different result but will bring more worry.

Third, I set a date to convene the executive committee to review the decision. It turned out I had made a decision even though I was having a hard time acknowledging that I had. Making a decision can bring some peace, but living in my head it was like trying to work in an office where people were constantly rehashing questions that were settled at the last meeting. “Maybe we should try it this way.” “I still think we should have gone with plan C.” These different voices have important stuff to say. One part is in charge of being scared of anything new. One part is responsible for protecting my sense of independence. One part manages the division of me that dives into any new thing because the grass is always greener. They all bring something to the table. But they tend to be unruly, and will argue their various points all day long. But my wise mind is the boss, a really good boss, a boss who cares about everyone, who takes everybody’s perspective seriously and then makes tough decisions and implements them.

My wise mind had already listened to all the factors. It had already made a choice based on what I knew and what I felt. Re-opening the decision was only adding extra emotional friction. But, it was clear that some members of the executive committee still had serious reservations.

“Okay,” said the wise mind. “We already committed to this course of action for good reasons. I know some of you don’t like it but I expect everyone to give it an earnest try. We will reconvene the executive committee in three months on, January 10, when we will have some new information and we will check in about how this is going. I assure you that I am fully open to the possibility of changing course at that time.”

And that seems to have been enough to appease the dissidents.

Great Resource for Anxiety for People of Any Age

So here’s my theory about Lawrence J Cohen’s great book “The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxiety and Fears.” He wrote a book for anxious parents and then decided he would have more luck getting them to read it if he said it was for helping their kids be less anxious.

I love the title and for that alone is worth it; the absence of anxiety isn’t the opposite of anxiety. Feeling playful, full of creativity, joyful as when we are goofing around with someone we love that is the opposite of anxiety. Cohen really emphasizes parents and kids feeling connected rather than simply focusing on behaviour, something I really appreciate.

The book is full of great, practical approaches to anxiety that anyone can use. Hug yourself when feeling anxious, wrap both arms over the opposite shoulder, alternate pats or squeezes on the opposite shoulder. It feels warm and embracing, it requires a little cognitive and kinaesthetic work, so it takes us out of our anxiety, it is easy to remember for a person who is feeling freaked out.

It also contains a lot of wisdom addressed to anxious parents (a.k.a. the part of ourselves that might think other people’s anxiety is a problem but our own is absolutely reasonable and the only thing keeping us together.)

“If you know you are safe, but you still feel anxious, then you may welcome a chance to lower your anxiety. If you believe you are in danger, however, then it would be foolish to relax. You need to be prepared to act at a moment’s notice. That’s why some highly anxious children angrily reject suggestions to relax. Abe [a] boy who was ... afraid of thunderstorms, once said to his mother, ‘three deep breaths are not going to stop us from being hit by lightning’”

Finally, Cohen takes a very humble and humane attitude towards his clients, friends, family and himself in this book; he is definitely not the all-knowing therapist who understands clients much better than they can understand themselves. He learns from kids and parents alike about how to manage anxiety.